


Guide

by TururaJ



Category: Aldnoah.Zero (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, a touch of sci-fi, mentions of self-abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-27 15:06:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8406367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TururaJ/pseuds/TururaJ
Summary: They were perfect for each other, but Troyard didn’t want to accept it, didn’t want to let go of the past, and Inaho shouldered the pain.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hakumei_hogosha](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hakumei_hogosha/gifts).



> This is a super late present for a very nice person who writes awesome az fics. Thank you, Hak-san, your sci-fi order has arrived (shh, I remember mentioning the post-apocalypse setting, but let's just leave it for a later date xD)

“You rarely have guests, Inaho”. Yuki’s face was radiating with excitement all over the visual panel. Inaho touched the image of his sister and moved it a bit aside as he was finally nearing the space station and needed to make a final check of the system data for the docking process. There were times when even the large capacity computers could make a fatal mistake and cause accidents with different disaster scenarios. That’s why between the crews of the interstellar space ships it was considered a good practice to hire a navigator or, at least, a second pilot, whose main duty was to - as people were laughingly saying - ‘control the control system’.

Inaho was probably one of the few commanders who owned a large cruiser and became the exception to the rule. He’d gladly share the responsibility as ten years of sailing through the labyrinths of galaxies and dealing with the board computer round-the-clock would give anyone constant headaches, but, sadly, eight years of searching for the right man led nowhere. Yuki kept berating him for the severe hiring specification he had come up with, but Inaho refused to take in any person who wasn’t fast and smart enough to co-operate with him.

“Too bad it isn’t a girl. Though considering you have grown up to be completely asexual, I’d be pretty happy if that boy confessed to be your lover.” Inaho stayed silent. Emotions weren’t his strong suit, but he would’ve definitely rolled his eyes if he had such a habit. He was almost in his thirties and a man, needless to say, he had already experienced his share of one-night stands. Yuki didn’t have to know that, of course, as it was something she wouldn’t approve. But the usual talk about his ‘asexuality’ every time Inaho went back home to take a break from flying or to have the ship repaired was getting more and more bothersome.

“Yuki, we can discuss this later. It’s been a long mission, and I have to make sure the ship lands safely. Thank you for informing me about the guest. I’ll see you tomorrow morning in the pub.” At times like these the best strategy for dealing with his sister was the evading one.

“Tsk. What an idiot brother!” Yuki puffed her cheeks, but let the topic change. “Make sure to visit me tomorrow. I know you’re tired and I know you’re going to be busy with organizing the ship’s attendance, but I’m your sister so I come first!”

“Yes.”

Yuki ended the call, the visual panel blackened, and Inaho was free to concentrate on the docking. He sat back in his pilot chair in front of the grand observation window and watched as the space station happily swallowed the ship up. The landing was slow and smooth, the cruiser had been safely guided it to its personal dock, and the sealing-off and decontamination processes finally began. Inaho also had to wait for the oxygen to reach normal levels before he would be able to dismiss the crew for the long needed vacation. He had planned to stay home for the next three months: the forthcoming mission promised to be hard.

The client wanted ‘Sleipnir’ to explore one of the newly discovered remote galaxies. Inaho had already checked the flying route there, and it wasn’t something an inexperienced commander would dare to take: the high probability of the pirate’s interference, systems and galaxies with high level radiation zones, the proximity of the alien’s sightings, endless no-communication areas were enough to scare most of the freelancing companies. The mission was dangerous, but the payment was worth, and Inaho preferred to take the challenge when he saw one.

The lights were already dimmed when he went down the loading rack and walked to the nearest elevator. The station’s gravity seemed a bit heavier than the one he became used to in the last several months of flying, and Inaho staggered a bit. The headache was also taking its toll on his body: it was getting harder to coordinate the movements. The voice command sent the elevator to the seventh level of the station which was specifically designed for the residential area accommodation.

Nothing had really changed ever since Inaho was born here. A grand labyrinth of quiet halls and private quarters stretched infinitely. Metal-gray walls were decorated with electronic guides and maps so that the residents wouldn’t lose their way home. Automatic doors looked plain: people living on the station tended to be cold and uninviting. It was not surprising: the chances to acquire permission to become a resident of one of the few habitable planets throughout the explored part of the universe were almost zero. Even Inaho could not afford one yet, the cost was too high, and he also had to think about Yuki.

It was just one more reason to continue accepting the complicated missions: in case his ‘Sleipnir’ would be the first to discover a new habitable planet, Inaho and his crew members would get a free right to become its residents after the colonization. Be it as it may, Inaho didn’t consider the life aboard a gigantic space station too bad, people had it worse - he had experienced the poor conditions of the facilities some had to put up with, especially in the industrial or deserted systems, where each breath of air could become the last simply because the station wouldn’t have enough resources to sustain the life support system. 

Finally reaching the apartment Inaho inserted his ID-card inside the special slot near the entrance and walked into the darkness of the narrow hall. A ray of light behind his back disappeared as soon as the door slid closed. He left the boots in the empty corner and hastily threw his uniform jacket over them. He would deal with the clothes later, right now all he wanted to do was to get some sleep.

Inaho had to pause in the living room though as he heard the quiet snoring and remembered Yuki’s warning about an unknown guest. He was too tired to make a guess so he commanded the lights to turn on, and the room was flooded by the warm yellowish glowing. Troyard was sprawled across his couch, a bright mess of short hair peeking out from under the cover which he used as a blanket. One of his hands lay atop the couch pillow, and Inaho stalled for a minute to carefully observe it. Thankfully there seemed to be no new scars among the old ones, but the wrist was too thin.

“Troyard”. Inaho didn’t need to raise his voice. Lately their meetings were infrequent, but he’d long ago managed to ascertain that Troyard was a light sleeper, even after the most exhausting and satisfying sex. “The bedroom is several steps away.”

“Huh? ‘Thank you, Slaine, for keeping my sister unaware of my perverted nature!’ is what you should say, Kaizuka. Who the hell gives his fuck-buddy a free pass to his home, but doesn’t warn his family about the possibility of getting an unpleasant surprise?” Troyard’s voice was hoarse, he rubbed his face and squinted because of the light, then sat slowly, blanket falling down to his hips. “I scared your sister, she scared me. I had to lie to her that we’re just business partners. I should get paid for all the trouble, don’t you think?”

“Too much useless information” concluded Inaho, unzipping his pants on the way to the bedroom. “I’m off to bed. Let’s talk in the morning.”

“What? Wait!” Troyard quite predictably jumped off the couch and followed him. Inaho tried not to stare at his naked body. The last time he indulged in sexual activities was way too long ago, so getting aroused wasn’t a problem. But he needed to rest first or he’d be forced to use the medicine to vanquish the increasing headache, and pills tended to ruin his concentration. It was better to think about sex in the morning.

The bed was soft, the sheets smelled of the cheap washing powder. Inaho didn’t like the smell, but preferred to leave the auto-cleaning system on when he was away on a mission, otherwise there would be clouds of dust flying in the air, waiting to attack the irresponsible owner. He could also ask Yuki to look after the apartment, but she had enough worries with the pub to burden her further.

Inaho was almost asleep when he felt Troyard’s careful touch. Fingers were slowly moving down his spine, caressing the skin there, causing the pleasant shivers to run down his back. Generally Troyard’s policy was to behave like a cold, experienced lover, and the times he silently asked for a simple exchange of warmth - like now - were few. Sometimes Inaho even wondered whether he was the only one to see Troyard’s soft side. Sometimes he wanted to be the only one. But he denied himself the thoughts. He had already received his answer long ago, and it was a firm “no”.

Inaho turned over and wrapped his hands around the thin body. Slaine didn’t protest. His warm breath felt nice against Inaho’s chest. The moment was too precious to waste on talking, but something felt wrong. Troyard’s fingers kept touching him, but the touch wasn’t provocative enough to mistake it for the foreplay. Inaho could ignore the rising suspicion and go back to sleep, but decided not to.

“Don’t tell me you need another dose” he said. Troyard’s body went rigid.

“I do.”

Inaho forced his hands to stay still. The emotions that stirred up inside were hard to bear. That was certainly not the first time Troyard asked him to get the az-drug, but every time he did Inaho felt the stifling irritation and pain inside his chest. Being a successful adult opened many paths for him, but the one he wanted to walk down the most was still unreachable. Maybe the time to come to terms with the truth that getting Troyard as his partner and a second pilot was impossible had finally come?

“She’s not going to wake up, Slaine. Stop wasting yourself.” Talking about the issue was futile. No matter how many times Inaho dared, the result was null. But he’d never felt himself as complete as when he was with Troyard, so he kept the pitiful attempts.

“Mind your own business, Kaizuka. We’ve had this conversation enough times already. I sleep with you, you get me the dose, and that’s it. Or should I leave and find someone else?” Troyard removed his hand and tried to escape from the bed as if he wanted to prove his words right away, but Inaho pushed him back into the pillows and let his fingers wander among the soft curves of his body, receiving a quiet snort in response to his actions.

He had to give up. He didn’t feel like fighting. He desperately missed this - whatever they almost had. Ever since his confession Troyard was aware that he could manipulate Inaho to a certain extent. But he never abused this power, aside from asking him to get the drug. This is why Inaho had yet to stop hoping. This is why he endured eight years of longing.

“No. Stay. I want you to be here in the morning. I’ll get you the dose, just… stay.” Troyard’s sea-blue eyes closed, he relaxed, curling on his side and lowering his head onto Inaho’s shoulder. One of his hands traced Inaho’s collarbone and remained there. Troyard’s lips lightly touched his skin as if wanting to say “I’m sorry”. Perhaps, he was. Inaho pulled the blanket over their bodies and forced himself to fall asleep.

Morning came with silent kisses and sluggish fondling. Sleepy and warm, Troyard snuggled against Inaho, arching toward Inaho’s embrace.

Sometimes Inaho wondered if Slaine was being honest with him in bed. No, it was obvious that sex felt good for both of them, but Inaho disliked the way Troyard controlled himself even while drifting on the verge of overwhelming pleasure. They moved together, they breathed in synch, the heat was shared, but Inaho was always there - touching, feeling, wanting, thirsting for more and more - and Slaine wasn’t. He never fought for dominance, never asked for anything, thoughtlessly giving Inaho freedom to set the pace and rules. He never complained and never talked about their shared time. “I trust you” he said once, back in their younger days, but trust and passivity were different things.

They were perfect for each other, but Troyard didn’t want to accept it, didn’t want to let go of the past, and Inaho shouldered the pain, shouldered his sister’s lectures, shouldered the unattainable dreams alone. He knew he should end it. He would end it. Eight years were too much. He needed a reliable partner, a strong person by his side, and sex wasn’t the only reason. The older he got, the harder it was to stay away from home, to be alone amidst of deadly nowhere. Space was like that - cold and harsh, an endless ocean of loneliness with many dangers lurking in its unknown depths. Being alone there was a serious trial. Most everybody of his crew members had already found someone, either working on the cruiser or waiting for them to come back home. 

He had to end it. But he was greedy. He’d let himself have one more blissful morning and then - then he’d start a new life.

It was hard to concentrate on putting on a condom with Troyard grabbing his hip in a silent plead to go on. His thin body shivered, long lines of scars visible on his back under the bright lamplight, breathing sounding loud and heavy. Troyard seemed a little impatient today, as if he’d missed the sex - and maybe Inaho? - too, and Inaho felt his desire spiraling out of control. He pulled Troyard closer and pushed inside, into the desired tightness and hotness, uniting their bodies. He kissed the scars and touched every inch of skin he saw, and moved his hips until he couldn’t take it anymore.

They lay together on the bed, catching their breaths, Troayrd’s fingers lazily caressing Inaho’s palm. The touch was slow and gentle and - everything Inaho ever wanted. He basked in this precious moment, he let it soak into his skin, let it brand a mark in his memories. He was happy. Even if there weren’t that many days they spent together, he’d be sure to remember. He had this.

The touch abruptly ended when Inaho stood up and moved himself towards the personal safe. He rarely used it, but the last time Troyard asked him to get the drug Inaho had managed to acquire enough and to spare and hid the ampoules inside. Troyard was looking at him strangely, his eyes bore a mixture of guilt and fear, his posture evidently radiating stress.

“Come with me. Leave this place.” Inaho tried for the last time, dropping the ampoules on the bed. “Even if your sister wakes up, she won’t be alone. She’ll stay under the doctors’ care until your return. Money is not a problem. ‘Sleipnir’s missions are paid well. You’ll get the sum ten times as large as what you get now by working yourself to death and using this shit.” 

Troyard said nothing but the way he quickly jumped off the bed and disappeared in the living room to find his clothes was self-explanatory. He kept silent even after coming back to take the dose. His eyes never left the floor, hands carefully picked up the ampoules and shoved them inside the usual backpack. Inaho barely had time to stop Troyard before he vanished from the apartment.

“Slaine” The words came out cold and unwavering. But he had to do this. “Please, give me the pass-card back. And do not seek me again.”

Troyard’s lips trembled as he pulled the card from his shabby jacket, but he controlled himself. Inaho looked away. He knew that he was doing the right thing - a person should never cling to delusions - but he didn’t expect the breakup to be so painful. Troyard lingered at the door, taking a breath, his fingers running over the metallic door frame, the simple gesture suddenly awakening the vivid memories of their first kiss, filling Inaho with doubts.

They were so young back then, foolishly trying to find solace in sex and booze. Bandages were covering Troyard’s arms, the idiot cut himself under the pressure of his sister’s tragedy and heavy work. Inaho wasn’t better at the time. Yuki struggled with the news of their parents’ death and the pub management, and Inaho just got back from his first mission after he’d been appointed to become the new commander. Needless to say, during the mission things went pretty awry: people died.

Troyard sought for a distraction, Inaho did too. He was probably very drunk, because when he’d gathered his wits they were already standing at the door to his quarters, kissing like there was no tomorrow. Troyard was the only man he’d let into his bed, but somehow, gently touching the fresh scars, Inaho felt alive. They spent the night together and went their separate ways, but met again and again, and soon started seeing each other more often than not. There were no empty promises, no set conditions, no talks about the future, yet Inaho found himself walking around the usual places in search for Troyard.

It was later that he’d discovered Troyard’s past: how Slaine never knew his mother, how his father died from an incurable illness, how he got his scars in an accident, which left his sister in a coma, and how gravely Troyard blamed himself for not saving his only family. He was working like a slave just to be able to pay for his sister’s support in a medical chamber, despite the doctors saying that she would never wake up. In truth Troyard had many good job offers as he’d finished the local flying academy with excellent grades - Inaho even tested him a couple of times out of curiosity - but he kept refusing the offers and stayed close to his half-dead sister.

Troyard had no one to rely on and looked very exhausted, and initially it was Inaho’s fault for bringing up the topic of the az-drug in their conversation. Aldnoah was a special medicinal product, which nullified the feeling of tiredness and the desire to sleep, and was distributed strictly among the pilots and navigators. Inaho used it sometimes when the flying route was unknown or dangerous and he needed to be beside the board computer for a long period of time. The drug itself was harmless if used wisely, so Slaine asked him to get a couple of doses: he wanted to take on more side jobs. Thus the ritual was set.

The moment Inaho realized his feelings he already knew Troyard would not accept them. His sister always came first. Nevertheless Inaho tried, tried and failed, but kept waiting for a miracle, seeing as Slaine’s eyes were full of regret and similar longing. Years passed and finally they were here, at the same place where everything started, and Inaho, surprisingly, was the one drawing the line.

“Th-thank you… for everything.” Slaine whispered, made the last step back, not looking at him, and the door slid shut.

Ever since his first unforgettable flying mission Inaho never allowed himself to make mistakes - people’s lives were at stake. But suddenly, standing alone amidst his empty hall, for the first time in eight years Inaho wondered whether he’d made the right choice. Whether he hadn’t just destroyed two lives in one go and doomed himself for even greater loneliness.

The morning alarm went off, driving away the dead silence of the apartment. Inaho touched his palm, where Troyard’s warmth still lingered, and began preparing for the day. Yuki was waiting for him.

***

Three months had passed in a flash. Inaho visited his sister, prepared the ship for departing, looked up for new personnel and continued to keep himself busy with literally anything that came to mind. He’d even learned how to cook an omelet at the pub, despite having free pass to the dining section of the residential area. Thoughts of Troyard were too persistent. Sleep was also evading him - too often he stared at the ceiling, waiting for the door-communicator to turn on and display Troyard’s face. The desire was absurd - if eight years of seeing each other didn’t persuade Troyard to be with him, then three months of breakup definitely wouldn’t. 

Finally the last day drew near, Inaho said goodbyes to Yuki and left for the dock. The watch showed it was early morning, and, as predicted, there weren’t that many people gathered around the ship yet. He nodded, greeting a couple of familiar faces, and circled the cruiser, checking how the new coat of orange paint looked from up-close. He heard the steps coming from behind, but didn’t pay attention, thinking someone from the crew just wanted to say hello.

“I can’t. I can’t take it anymore”. Inaho turned in time to see how a stuffed backpack landed on the metal floor. Troyard looked even thinner than he was three months ago. His face was pale, eyes red and swollen, hands shaking, even though he noticeably tried to hide it by clasping them together.

“Slaine?” Seeing him was unexpected. Seeing the broken confidence and hunched shoulders reminded Inaho of the past they managed to partly overcome once. It was frightening. He’d never wanted Troyard to go back to self-abuse. It took Inaho two years to pull him out of the deep distress, and it was a small victory Inaho still cherished.

“How could you do this to me?” Troyard’s voice was full of anger and pain, of everything he dared not to ever say. “I trusted you. I gave myself to you. You’ve guided me all this time. How could you just tell me to leave? I don’t understand. I don’t want to understand!”

It was impossible to just stand there and watch. The uniform blazer jacket suddenly felt too constricting. Unbuttoning it, Inaho stepped forward and warily touched Slaine’s arm, not really sure what reaction to expect. But it seemed like he made the right move, as Slaine was suddenly in his arms, body pressing into Inaho, hands gripping him like a vice, forehead finding its nest on Inaho’s shoulder.

“I’m scared, Inaho… What if I leave her and she dies? What if they’ll need more money and won’t be able to contact me? What if something happens to the station, and I won’t even know it in time?” Troyard’s fears were never secrets to Inaho, but it was the first time Troyard found the resolve to openly voice them, and Inaho felt how a warm wave of emotions burned his chest.

“Then why are you here?” he asked gently, threading his fingers through the blond hair.

“I need you.” Troyard made a deep breath, obviously fighting back tears. “I don’t understand how it happened, but… I just can’t… can’t go on without you anymore.”

The honesty was mind-blowing. Inaho’s throat suddenly felt dry. Were the eight years of pie in the sky at last over, replaced by a wonderful miracle?

“Come with me. If anything happens, I will be there for you. We’ll face it together.”

Inaho could feel the gazes directed at his back. The scene was probably arousing curiosity among the crew, but he didn’t care. Not when Slaine finally lifted up his head and looking him in the eyes gave his answer:

“Yes.”

Nothing could rival the feeling of fulfillment that flooded him at that moment. There were no more barriers left. There would be no more lone nights, no more parting, no doubts about their future. Surely they would fight and argue, and it wouldn’t be always perfect, but Inaho had been long ago prepared for that. He merely held Slaine tighter and allowed himself to kiss the tempting neck, wondering if he had enough time to go back to Yuki and dispel the irritating myth.

“No more az-drug though” he decided to warn Troyard beforehand. “Your body needs rest.”

“If you say so… Commander Kaizuka”.

Yes, Inaho smiled, they would make a good team.


End file.
